How to Fix Angels and Demons

Just to get this out of the way up top, I did not like Angels and Demons, nor am I a fan of Dan Brown (I read 50 pages of Angels and Demons, thought it was dumb, and put it down). However, I think the Langdon movies are a gigantic missed opportunity that, if done right, could have been a lot of fun. Here's my advice on how to fix it:

Step 1: Replace Tom Hanks: There are two directions to take Robert Langdon. He could be a clear, unsophisticated action hero (a la Indiana Jones), but that's a little tired and I don't think that's what appeals to people about Langdon. So, instead, the best course would be to go in the other direction and make him a total nerd. But Tom Hanks isn't convincing in either part, he's in bland, nice guy mode and loses that snarky edge that makes him so appealing when he's at his best. Instead, why not go for Paul Giamatti, who could perfectly nail the awkwardness, the dorky intellectualism, and the prickly, somewhat antisocial exterior that tends to characterize brilliant college professors.

Step 2: Fire Ron Howard: Ron Howard really only ever works in one mode: lofty, Oscar-contender. His comedies are middlebrow, his dramas are middlebrow, and it was no shock that his action film lacked any sense of fun or excitement or grit, and you've got to have one of those to make a good action movie. A better choice would have been someone like J.J. Abrams, Matthew Vaughn, or, if you want a reach, Brad Bird.

Step 3: Throw the book out: Watching Robert Langdon stand around and solve puzzle after puzzle is about as compelling as watching your grandmother do a Sudoku. The crushing flood of history lessons and word problems may work in prose, but it absolutely does not on film. So boil the plot down to the bare essentials, toss everything else out, and make an adventure movie. Still not convinced? Read the source materials for Jaws and Rear Window and then watch the movies.

Step 4: Let Langdon be Langdon: Robert Langdon is, to put it mildly, a bit of an asshole. He whines about 500 year old censorship, he bitches at Vatican officials about locking out his research when there's a bomb about to go off, and he's generally uncooperative. So why does everyone bat their eyelashes and go on as if he's just given them an interesting history lesson? And why does the script seem to play it like Langdon's just a normal guy. I say, let Langdon be an asshole, make him a bigger asshole, and let that give the film a much needed dose of humor. Just think of how awesome this film was if it had the symbology equivalent of Jeff Daniels' character from The Squid and the Whale trying to save the world.

Step 5: Try a Little Tenderness: Going along that line, if you're going to pair Langdon up with hot women, why not have him hit on them? And (and this is the important part) have them not reciprocate. At all. It makes him more of a doofus and gives the film another sly way to both nod at and subvert its predecessor: the Indiana Jones series.

Step 6: While We're At It, Give the Females Something To Do: Pretty self-explanatory.

Step 7: Drop the Idiotic Mystery: Its so obvious who the bad guy is from the start, and its a distraction that makes the whole film a lot less interesting. Give us a bad guy and give us a really good one.

Step 8: Less Talk, More Rock: The biggest fight or action scene in Angels and Demons is Robert Langdon versus a glass wall. This is unacceptable. BLOW THINGS UP.

Step 9: Fix the Ending: Clearly, this movie should end with it turning out that all the Cardinals are actually aliens. Then, when Langdon defeats them all, with no one left able to lead the Catholic Church, he becomes the new Pope, ushering in a new, pro-science era. AND THEN THE VATICAN EXPLODES. Cut to black.